YES, THEY'RE REAL PIRANHA!

I'm stoked about our new fish aquarium! Sarah's landlord won't let her have any pets so I told her that she could have a fish tank at my place if she wanted. She loves fish and I think they're cool, too. I've heard that watching fish swim in an aquarium can help to improve high blood pressure, anxiety and depression so there's also a practical reason to have a fish aquarium.

We haven't figured out what kind of fish we're getting yet but I know I don't want gold fish. I don't think gold fish are very interesting and they're high maintenance fish. I wouldn't mind getting something cool like a shark or piranha but you can't really have those in a tank with smaller fish because they'll take bites out of them or eat them. Also, our tank's not big enough for piranha, although I have taken care of a friend's piranha when she was sent to Iraq. They were really cool but extremely aggressive.

One evening, a mutual friend came for a visit and didn't believe that the fish were piranha so I told her to put her finger in the tank and see. I told her they were real piranha and they'd bite her if she stuck her finger in the tank but she didn't believe me and stuck her finger in the tank anyway. A piranha promptly swam up to the top of the tank and bit the tip of her finger off. There was blood everywhere and our friend freaked out. LMAO! It was hilarious!

My First Testosterone Shot Has Been Scheduled!!

Wow, I had a rather intense day at the Dr's office.

The night before my appointment, I had to go on a fast so they could do labs and blood work on me. No food or drink after 6:00pm and nothing on the morning of the appointment. I woke up feeling tired and sluggish from the lack of food or coffee. 


I got to Dr. Smilo's office by 10:40 am for my 11:00 appointment. I filled out about 6 pages of paperwork, that included an intensive description of my medical history, including all current medications, past examinations and vaccinations, chronic illnesses, past surgeries, psychological issues, any known allergies and my family's medical history. 


Unfortunately, Dr. Smilo was running about 40 minutes late so we were a little crunched for time when it was my turn to see her. Dr. Smilo is an elderly woman in her 80s and of European background. I'm not sure what country she's from but she speaks English, German & Polish. I understand that she's worked with transgender men and women with hormone therapy for over 40 years.

I spoke with her at great length about my medical and psychological health. I'd told her that I first noticed feeling something different about my body and gender when I was around 6 years old. She nodded and stated that research indicates that transgender children usually know that they are differently gendered between the ages of 4-6. I didn't know that but I felt validated that I had many of the classic patterns and experiences of other transgender people. She interviewed me about my medical history for about an hour and gave me a basic physical examination. She wrote up a request for labs to be done, including blood draws, so that they could ensure that my blood, hormone levels, kidneys and thyroid gland are normal. She also asked that I get a letter of diagnosis from my psychotherapist, stating that he has diagnosed and is treating me for Gender Identity Disorder (GID).

Fortunately, CPMC is about 3 blocks away from her office so I went there right after my appointment to get the blood work and labs done. By this time, it was about 1:30pm. I was feeling pretty low energy from not having eaten in so long and now I needed to have blood drawn. I didn't have to wait long to see a phlebotomist but I have tiny veins and they don't like needles. They tend to hide, go flat and roll or "coke bottle". Ever tried to stick a needle into a coke bottle? They roll and are difficult or impossible to stick. 

The first phlebotomist tried to stick me and after a few minutes of sticking and re-sticking me, she gave up and called another nurse to draw my blood. Great, now they have to stick me in the other arm as well. The second nurse had a pretty hard time finding a vein to use but he was able to stick me on the first try. They took 8 vials of blood out of me and gave me a tiny cup of orange juice to drink. It took a lot out of me to get all of the medical stuff done today with Dr. Smilo and the blood work but I'm glad I got it all done today.


The good news is, I have an appointment with Dr. Smilo next Tuesday the 23rd of August. If my labs come back as normal and my Psychotherapist provides the letter of diagnosis, I'LL GET MY FIRST TESTOSTERONE SHOT!! I'm so excited! Finally, I'm on my way to becoming the man I've always wanted to be. I can't wait to get started. I'm so happy!

Biopsy

Really not feeling well in the area of my body suspected of being cancerous. I hope it’s psychosomatic. Merrr.

I’m tired but I can’t sleep. My stomach feels bloated and uncomfortable, with a slight burning sensation. I’m depressed and concerned about the possibility that I might have cancer. I’m trying not to worry about it until after I have my surgical procedure but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s not a big deal and that my test result was probably a false positive but I can’t help but think that it just isn’t good when there’s blood and inflammation where there isn’t supposed to be.

My biopsy is in the morning on the 25th of August. My girlfriend is going with me, will stay through my procedure and then help me get home since I’ll still be sedated. I have to go on a 24 hour liquid diet to prepare for the surgery. All I can have is broth, water, tea or coffee with no milk, fruit juice with no pulp, and any jello except red colored jello. That’s going to be rough. I’m not looking forward to that.

The procedure should take about 30 minutes to an hour and then I’ll spend an hour in the recovery room. Once the sedation wears off a bit, they’ll release me to go back home that afternoon. I have no idea how long it’ll take them to return results from the biopsy but I hope it’s sooner rather than later and I hope they don’t find anything serious.

Positive cancer test

Damn it. I got a potential positive result for cancer and now I have to have a more invasive procedure. I think it’s probably either a false positive or there’s some other reason the test came back positive. Now they have to sedate me and cut on me. Shit. Not what I wanted to hear.

Well intentioned friends

I’m feeling sad and dismayed that people are questioning or “joking” about my decision to transition from F to M.  I understand that some of my friends want to have a conversation and see if they can understand what turned my heart to want to live my life as a man.I don’t mind having that conversation. I feel that I have been growing more and more masculinely identified over the years and transitioning feels like the right and next logical progression for me. I no longer self-identify as female, I identify as and want to live my life as a man. What is hurtful are well-intentioned friends asking, “are you sure? I’ve always seen you as a woman.” Or, “What if you transition and regret it?” Or, “Are you sure you’re not just following a gay trend?” It’s pretty depressing to me.

Still trying to find an Endocrinologist

Last month I told my primary physician that I was interested in testosterone therapy and she referred me to a young, Chinese-American man named Dr. Tuan. She said that he was very good and could both test me and provide me with testosterone shots.

I had an appointment with him yesterday morning but when I got there, I was told that my appointment was actually for the 3rd of August, not the 8th. D'oh! I must've gotten my dates mixed up, which rarely ever happens, but apparently it did this time. I rescheduled to see Dr. Tuan and went in this morning to see him. 

When I got there, Dr Tuan asked why I'd come in to see him. I told him that I have Gender Identity Disorder and was interested in testosterone therapy. He was very nice about it, but he declined to treat me, stating that he had no experience with transgender testosterone therapy. I thought that was strange  because my primary physician referred me to him specifically for testosterone therapy and had told me that he did have experience treating transgender patients. Perhaps she was mistaken, but I can't help but wonder if he just didn't want to treat me because of the nature of my therapy request. 

He referred me to Dr. Renata Smilo and I have an appointment with her tomorrow morning. He stated that she specialized in transgender related testosterone therapy and has been treating patients for more than 40 years. When I got home and told Sarah about my day, she got excited and told me that her former TG girlfriend, August, was a patient of Dr. Smilo's and that she was a very good Dr. I'm glad to know someone who is familiar with Dr. Smilo and I hope that she'll put me on testosterone treatment sooner rather than later.

In the mean time, I'm feeling depressed and frustrated about not being able to start testosterone yet. I know I have an appointment tomorrow but it's not to get a testosterone shot, it's so I can get my thyroid tested to see if I'm an eligible candidate for testosterone therapy. I've been trying to get started on T for a month now and I still have to wait. Frustrating.

I know that testosterone changes don't happen over-night. It can take months before you get any noticeable changes. I guess that's why I'm so anxious to get started. I know that even after I start getting shots, I'll still have to wait.

I'm just so unhappy and uncomfortable in my own body. I hate my breasts so much. They're so big and impossible to hide. I'm in a weird in-between place where I'm not yet a man and not a woman. I feel like an "it". People stare at me when I'm out in public and sometimes it makes me very uncomfortable to have so much attention on me from strangers.

I hope Dr. Smilo understands and starts me on testosterone therapy soon. I can't help but think that I'll feel so much better once I do.

Peeing is a fascinating new thing

I got my Stand to Pee packer in the mail from http://www.urimate.com/ on Tuesday. Now peeing is a completely fascinating new thing.

My first STP device was a GoGirl. http://www.go-girl.com/ I have a hard time using this device. The first two weeks of learning to use it, I inadvertently pissed all down my leg and on my pants. Damn it. If you don't hold the device just right or if you pee to quickly, pee can over-flow over the top of the container. I was frustrated and just a little embarrassed too because my girlfriend saw me needing to clean up after having an accident.

Then I bought a plastic medicine spoon from the drug store and cut off the end of the spoon to make a tube. I've seen lots of YouTube videos of Trans guys making their own STP devices from medicine spoons so I thought I'd give it a try. It worked a little better but the tube end of the medicine spoon is very short and I'd usually end up getting a little pee on my hands. Not ideal but it was a better than the GoGirl. At least I wasn't peeing down my legs and onto my pants. Medicine spoons are also a lot easier to conceal than GoGirls. 

Then I ordered a 7" Mr. Limpy STP packer device from http://www.urimate.com/ This STP device is pre-made and has a medicine and some tubing inserted into a 7" penis prosthetic. I got it Tuesday and have been wearing it full-time since. 

It came with instructions and a harness to hold it around your waist so it doesn't fall out when you pull your pants down. I don't have a harness for my other softy packer and it's fallen onto the floor and into the toilet a couple of times. Not cool, especially if you're in the mens room. 

I love the STP packer! The very first time I used it, I was able to properly use it without urinating on myself. The instructions helped me to use the medicine spoon properly and kept me from spilling on myself. When I was finally able to pee through my cock, while standing and without making a mess, I was so excited! There was something about watching my urine coming out of my cock that made me feel like I might finally be a man. I also felt a sense of accomplishment by being able to stand and pee like any other man. I feel like I'm finally making progress towards my goal to transition to male.

STP device

I bought a medicine spoon to use as a Stand To Pee (STP) device. Nearly every trans guy uses one so he can stand and pee like any other guy. I hope I don’t pee all down my leg.

Gender dysphoria: I hate my breasts

I really hate my breasts. They're so large and pretty much impossible to conceal. I've been watching videos of other FTM guys on YouTube and they look like guys. Most of them are small chested and binding usually does a good job of concealing their breasts so it's much easier for them to pass.  I, apparently, still really look like a woman and I just fucking hate it. 


In fact, I don't pass at all and keep being confused as being a really butch lesbian, which I am not. I bought myself a new binder a few weeks ago and although it's a great quality binder, it doesn't quite do the job when it comes to concealing my breasts. 


I always seem to be wishing my breasts were gone. I want to have a guy's chest and be able to walk around bare-chested as a man with no problems. My breasts are so big it's obnoxious. I hate them and I wish they were gone. 


I know that chest surgery isn't going to be an option for me for quite a while but all I can think about is getting my testosterone shot and having my chest surgery. I hate being in this pre-T phase. It makes me feel like I don't want to see people until my body is reconciled with my gender. I don't want to see anyone until I look like a man. I know I'm being impatient but I don't want to spend another day in the wrong body. 


I'm doubting that I can ever pass as a man and it's what I want more than anything in the world; to be seen as myself -- a man. I want more strength and more muscles. I want a mustache and beard. I want to be able to stand when I pee and not piss down my leg and wet my pants. 


At this point, I think that removing my breasts is going to be very important to both being perceived and feeling like I'm finally the correct gender. Ugh. I'm so frustrated. I don't want to see my breasts. I don't want to deal with them. 


I just want them to go away. 

What I suspect I'll be like getting my testosterone shots

Depression

I think I've been a bit depressed today. At first I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I think I'm feeling depressed because people are not accurately perceiving my gender. I want to be on testosterone therapy and it's being put off until I jump through a few medical and insurance hoops and I don't want to wait another day to be on testosterone.


I've always been aware of when people say "Sir" or "Ma'am" because I do, and most people just don't address people that way as much anymore. I swear, more MEN have called me "Lady" or "Ma'am" over the past month than I ever recall. No, I don't think I'm being hyper-sensitive about it. In general, it doesn't matter that much to me what pronouns people use. However, the past several times it's been men calling me "little lady" or "Ma'am". It feels somehow directed at me; as though to either put me in my place or remind me that I am not a man. Actually, I am a man. But like I said, people are not perceiving my gender accurately and it's been very frustrating. 


I've also not been sleeping well. For some reason, I've been going to bed around 3 am and then only getting 4 hours of sleep, leaving me tired and sluggish. I'm going to try to go to bed by 1:00 am tonight, right after I finish my writing. I think the lack of sleep hasn't helped my attitude any.


Sarah & I took Bruno to Mission Dolores park this afternoon but it was hot and we were both dressed slightly too warmly for the weather. Bruno ran around for a while and some guy came over to rub his little head and tell us that Bruno was about the cutest dog he'd ever seen. That was very kind of him and I agree.


Unfortunately, I started limping and having some pretty bad leg pain so we had to come home early. I felt really guilty about having to cut our day in the park short because I was hurting. I felt like I'd let Bruno & Sarah down by not being able to stand and walk as much as I'd like to. 


When we got home, I took some pain meds and anti-anxiety medicine to help me feel better. I've stayed off my feet the rest of the day so I feel slightly better as far as leg pain goes. 


I'm so impatient to start testosterone. I feel like I waited so long to come to this realization and I don't want to spend another minute in the wrong body. I understand that medical testing needs to be done by an endocrinologist before I can start taking T but I'm tired of waiting and feeling very frustrated and impatient. It sucks and it also makes me depressed and anxious to be perceived as a butch woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's not who I am. 


I'm really glad that I have such a supportive girlfriend in Sarah. She's so sweet and loving but sometimes she tries too hard to take care of me. I keep telling her that she can't fix me and that she shouldn't wait on pins and needles to anticipate my needs but I guess that's just how she is. Still, I love her and I'm really glad that she's with me through this transition.

Transgender Woman Murdered in D.C.

Transgender Woman Murdered in D.C. 
                                                                                 
This is why my life as a Two-Spirit man is scary. I have been threatened because of my perceived gender, more times than I can recount. I sometimes fear that I may also be murdered one day for being both queer and trans. I’ve certainly had my share of those sorts of threats.







Rest in Peace, Lashai McLean.

Depo-Testosterone

My First interview as an FTM

I met this guy named Sonny Nordmarken on the FTM International website last week. He was doing interviews of Trans men for a health study hes doing for University of Massachusetts, Amherst. I volunteered to be interviewed and we met this evening at Urban Harvest Market.


The whole interview went really well. I met Sonny and his partner, another Trans man, and found a private spot in the cafe to chat. He recorded our interview on his laptop and we used the pseudonym "Jim", to avoid using my real name and to keep our conversation anonymous. 


A lot of Sonny's questions were about my own gender perceptions and experiences, including childhood experiences. I recounted stories of gender dysphoria from when I was about 6-8 years old and stories of recent issues of gender issues. He seemed surprised as I told him about numerous physical threats and homophobic or transphobic slurs that I've experienced as an adult. I guess I've had a lot of those experiences because I lived in the south east for so long but I've experienced transgender discrimination here in San Francisco as well. I've had people call me a "freak" in reference to my gender. I've been called all of the homophobic remarks, such as "butch", "dyke", "queer" and "bull-dagger. I've had people threaten to hit me based on my perceived gender. I even had a grade-school teacher who nicknamed me "Tomboy" as my pet name, which was used as both an endearment and a gay slur.


I understand that the interviews will be used to help health care and mental health care practitioners in working with transgendered men and women. I felt pretty good about participating in Sonny's survey and he was comfortable to talk with as well. I also felt validated that I was being seen and asked as a man, to comment about my own life experiences. I may also be interested in participating in the writing interviews that he's also conducting for Trans men. I asked him to send me the writing prompts so that I can check it out.

Tonight's psychotherapy appointment

I had a good counseling session with my psychotherapist tonight.


I told Dr. Orgel that I suspect that I have gender dysphoria and that I'm an FTM Trans man. He seemed a little lit-up that I was self-diagnosing but other than that, he was very supportive.


I told him about how much I've been feeling uncomfortable about my breasts and that I've been strapping them down on and off for over the past 3 years. I'm increasing sensitive about gender pronouns and feel dismayed when I'm referred to as Ma'am or Lady. It didn't always bother me before if people referred to me as Ma'am or Sir but now I hate it when others use female pronouns in speaking to me. I told him that I've been wearing a soft pack penis and wearing men's underwear for a few years now but rarely brought up stuff like that in my counseling out of personal embarrassment. 


I asked Dr Orgel if he'd feel comfortable working with me on my transition and he seemed very willing and able to support me. He mentioned that he's had a little experience with dealing with trans people and that he didn't see me any differently because I want to transition to male. He also mentioned that he'd have to contact my insurance company and work out the additional counseling sessions I'll need to help me through the process. I'm really glad that I have Dr. Orgel on my side as a healer. He's been really great with me and I'm happy that he wants to support and work with me.


I guess my next step is to set-up an appointment with my primary physician and talk with her about starting testosterone. I really like Jennifer Lyons and I think she'll be cautious but supportive of me. I think I need to get some medical testing done to make sure I won't have any problems on testosterone but I have no idea how long that process will take. I can tell you that I'm feeling impatient and urgently want to start injections as soon as possible. I know I have to be patient and take my time but I also feel like I've waited a whole life-time to get to this point and now I'm chomping at the bit to get going. 

S.A.G.E. The Sex And Gender Explorer Test : Test Results

S.A.G.E. Test ResultsYour Raw Score is: -585, which indicates that overall you are Masculine
Your appearance is Androgynous
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Male person.
You appear to socialize in a masculine manner.
You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated your were born Female.

ANALYSIS:
Female to Male Transsexual, either post-operative or in transition

NOTES:

• Your answers indicate you have altered your physical appearance to look like the opposite sex.
• Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.

Trans4m

I'm starting this blog to journal my personal life and my transition from female to male. 


It hasn't been easy to make such a huge decision, but at this time in my life, it feels like the right thing to do. I've talked at great length with my psychotherapist about my gender issues. Once or twice, I brought up that I wanted to be in a male body but he wasn't exactly affirming, so I got scared and didn't say too much more about it. I hope that I can work with my current Doctor regarding my gender transition, but if not, I'll have to find a new psychotherapist to work with. I feel like he'll be just fine but we'll have to wait and see. Fortunately, there are lots of behavioral health Doctors here in the city so I'm sure I can find someone to work with who's in my insurance network.


Frankly, the idea of transitioning scares the hell out of me. My biggest fear is that my family will think I'm crazy and stop being a part of my life. It's certainly a real possibility. 

I know my parents won't accept it but I'm even more worried that my brother Terry will stop talking to me altogether. Our relationship is already strained because of my being queer. My family has never accepted my queerness but they've ultimately learned to deal with it and love me despite it. I'm really scared that this will be the one thing that they won't be able to learn to deal with. I'm scared that Terry will hate me or feel too uncomfortable about my gender transition to see me again. 

I'm not too worried about Tom & Staci because they've always been supportive of me no matter what my gender or who I date. Their boys are young enough that they probably won't even remember much about my having previously been a woman. 


How will my employers & co-workers handle my transition? Fortunately, I work for a very liberal, queer friendly organization in San Francisco, so I feel fairly certain that I won't have to worry about harassment or losing my job. It might weird a few people out but my employers and co-workers like me so I kind of sense that I'll be safe enough with my job to transition.


Oh, and *bonus*!! Anthem Blue Cross pays for gender re-assignment surgery when it's deemed medically necessary, such as for FTM or MTF persons.


I haven't started testosterone yet but I do pack and strap and do the best I can to pass as male. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it yet. I'm getting lots of looks of confusion from people but the other day, I got called "Ma'am" and "Lady" and I was totally bummed. I realize it's a process that takes time and practice but I'm impatient. I want to be a dude now, not in a year from now. 


I've been practicing standing and peeing but with mixed success. I have a Go-Girl STP device but it's tricky to use and there is the issue of leakage, which is not cool. The second time I used it, I spilled piss all over myself and had to change clothes and take a shower. Hahahaha! Fortunately, I was at home when it happened. It's funny now but I was pretty embarrassed and upset about it at the time. So now, I just practice standing and peeing in the shower, just in case. With some practice, it should be fine but I'm still working on it Frustrating! I'm not at the point where I'm ready or able to go into the men's room yet. I wonder how long it'll take before I'll be able to pass enough to use the men's bathroom? I'm sure it'll be scary, exciting and embarrassing all at the same time.


I've been thinking about changing my name to Vincent or Vince. I kinda hate it because my former friend's name is Vince but it's also not like I'm going to be able to come up with a name that's so original that no other Trans guy before me has ever used it. Sarah seems to like the name Vince, so I'm happy about that. She says it suits me. I think it does, too.