I bought a medicine spoon to use as a Stand To Pee (STP) device. Nearly every trans guy uses one so he can stand and pee like any other guy. I hope I don’t pee all down my leg.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Gender dysphoria: I hate my breasts
I really hate my breasts. They're so large and pretty much impossible to conceal. I've been watching videos of other FTM guys on YouTube and they look like guys. Most of them are small chested and binding usually does a good job of concealing their breasts so it's much easier for them to pass. I, apparently, still really look like a woman and I just fucking hate it.
In fact, I don't pass at all and keep being confused as being a really butch lesbian, which I am not. I bought myself a new binder a few weeks ago and although it's a great quality binder, it doesn't quite do the job when it comes to concealing my breasts.
I always seem to be wishing my breasts were gone. I want to have a guy's chest and be able to walk around bare-chested as a man with no problems. My breasts are so big it's obnoxious. I hate them and I wish they were gone.
I know that chest surgery isn't going to be an option for me for quite a while but all I can think about is getting my testosterone shot and having my chest surgery. I hate being in this pre-T phase. It makes me feel like I don't want to see people until my body is reconciled with my gender. I don't want to see anyone until I look like a man. I know I'm being impatient but I don't want to spend another day in the wrong body.
I'm doubting that I can ever pass as a man and it's what I want more than anything in the world; to be seen as myself -- a man. I want more strength and more muscles. I want a mustache and beard. I want to be able to stand when I pee and not piss down my leg and wet my pants.
At this point, I think that removing my breasts is going to be very important to both being perceived and feeling like I'm finally the correct gender. Ugh. I'm so frustrated. I don't want to see my breasts. I don't want to deal with them.
I just want them to go away.
In fact, I don't pass at all and keep being confused as being a really butch lesbian, which I am not. I bought myself a new binder a few weeks ago and although it's a great quality binder, it doesn't quite do the job when it comes to concealing my breasts.
I always seem to be wishing my breasts were gone. I want to have a guy's chest and be able to walk around bare-chested as a man with no problems. My breasts are so big it's obnoxious. I hate them and I wish they were gone.
I know that chest surgery isn't going to be an option for me for quite a while but all I can think about is getting my testosterone shot and having my chest surgery. I hate being in this pre-T phase. It makes me feel like I don't want to see people until my body is reconciled with my gender. I don't want to see anyone until I look like a man. I know I'm being impatient but I don't want to spend another day in the wrong body.
I'm doubting that I can ever pass as a man and it's what I want more than anything in the world; to be seen as myself -- a man. I want more strength and more muscles. I want a mustache and beard. I want to be able to stand when I pee and not piss down my leg and wet my pants.
At this point, I think that removing my breasts is going to be very important to both being perceived and feeling like I'm finally the correct gender. Ugh. I'm so frustrated. I don't want to see my breasts. I don't want to deal with them.
I just want them to go away.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Depression
I think I've been a bit depressed today. At first I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I think I'm feeling depressed because people are not accurately perceiving my gender. I want to be on testosterone therapy and it's being put off until I jump through a few medical and insurance hoops and I don't want to wait another day to be on testosterone.
I've always been aware of when people say "Sir" or "Ma'am" because I do, and most people just don't address people that way as much anymore. I swear, more MEN have called me "Lady" or "Ma'am" over the past month than I ever recall. No, I don't think I'm being hyper-sensitive about it. In general, it doesn't matter that much to me what pronouns people use. However, the past several times it's been men calling me "little lady" or "Ma'am". It feels somehow directed at me; as though to either put me in my place or remind me that I am not a man. Actually, I am a man. But like I said, people are not perceiving my gender accurately and it's been very frustrating.
I've also not been sleeping well. For some reason, I've been going to bed around 3 am and then only getting 4 hours of sleep, leaving me tired and sluggish. I'm going to try to go to bed by 1:00 am tonight, right after I finish my writing. I think the lack of sleep hasn't helped my attitude any.
Sarah & I took Bruno to Mission Dolores park this afternoon but it was hot and we were both dressed slightly too warmly for the weather. Bruno ran around for a while and some guy came over to rub his little head and tell us that Bruno was about the cutest dog he'd ever seen. That was very kind of him and I agree.
Unfortunately, I started limping and having some pretty bad leg pain so we had to come home early. I felt really guilty about having to cut our day in the park short because I was hurting. I felt like I'd let Bruno & Sarah down by not being able to stand and walk as much as I'd like to.
When we got home, I took some pain meds and anti-anxiety medicine to help me feel better. I've stayed off my feet the rest of the day so I feel slightly better as far as leg pain goes.
I'm so impatient to start testosterone. I feel like I waited so long to come to this realization and I don't want to spend another minute in the wrong body. I understand that medical testing needs to be done by an endocrinologist before I can start taking T but I'm tired of waiting and feeling very frustrated and impatient. It sucks and it also makes me depressed and anxious to be perceived as a butch woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's not who I am.
I'm really glad that I have such a supportive girlfriend in Sarah. She's so sweet and loving but sometimes she tries too hard to take care of me. I keep telling her that she can't fix me and that she shouldn't wait on pins and needles to anticipate my needs but I guess that's just how she is. Still, I love her and I'm really glad that she's with me through this transition.
I've always been aware of when people say "Sir" or "Ma'am" because I do, and most people just don't address people that way as much anymore. I swear, more MEN have called me "Lady" or "Ma'am" over the past month than I ever recall. No, I don't think I'm being hyper-sensitive about it. In general, it doesn't matter that much to me what pronouns people use. However, the past several times it's been men calling me "little lady" or "Ma'am". It feels somehow directed at me; as though to either put me in my place or remind me that I am not a man. Actually, I am a man. But like I said, people are not perceiving my gender accurately and it's been very frustrating.
I've also not been sleeping well. For some reason, I've been going to bed around 3 am and then only getting 4 hours of sleep, leaving me tired and sluggish. I'm going to try to go to bed by 1:00 am tonight, right after I finish my writing. I think the lack of sleep hasn't helped my attitude any.
Sarah & I took Bruno to Mission Dolores park this afternoon but it was hot and we were both dressed slightly too warmly for the weather. Bruno ran around for a while and some guy came over to rub his little head and tell us that Bruno was about the cutest dog he'd ever seen. That was very kind of him and I agree.
Unfortunately, I started limping and having some pretty bad leg pain so we had to come home early. I felt really guilty about having to cut our day in the park short because I was hurting. I felt like I'd let Bruno & Sarah down by not being able to stand and walk as much as I'd like to.
When we got home, I took some pain meds and anti-anxiety medicine to help me feel better. I've stayed off my feet the rest of the day so I feel slightly better as far as leg pain goes.
I'm so impatient to start testosterone. I feel like I waited so long to come to this realization and I don't want to spend another minute in the wrong body. I understand that medical testing needs to be done by an endocrinologist before I can start taking T but I'm tired of waiting and feeling very frustrated and impatient. It sucks and it also makes me depressed and anxious to be perceived as a butch woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's not who I am.
I'm really glad that I have such a supportive girlfriend in Sarah. She's so sweet and loving but sometimes she tries too hard to take care of me. I keep telling her that she can't fix me and that she shouldn't wait on pins and needles to anticipate my needs but I guess that's just how she is. Still, I love her and I'm really glad that she's with me through this transition.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Transgender Woman Murdered in D.C.
Transgender Woman Murdered in D.C.
This is why my life as a Two-Spirit man is scary. I have been threatened because of my perceived gender, more times than I can recount. I sometimes fear that I may also be murdered one day for being both queer and trans. I’ve certainly had my share of those sorts of threats.
Rest in Peace, Lashai McLean.
This is why my life as a Two-Spirit man is scary. I have been threatened because of my perceived gender, more times than I can recount. I sometimes fear that I may also be murdered one day for being both queer and trans. I’ve certainly had my share of those sorts of threats.
Rest in Peace, Lashai McLean.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
My First interview as an FTM
I met this guy named Sonny Nordmarken on the FTM International website last week. He was doing interviews of Trans men for a health study hes doing for University of Massachusetts, Amherst. I volunteered to be interviewed and we met this evening at Urban Harvest Market.
The whole interview went really well. I met Sonny and his partner, another Trans man, and found a private spot in the cafe to chat. He recorded our interview on his laptop and we used the pseudonym "Jim", to avoid using my real name and to keep our conversation anonymous.
A lot of Sonny's questions were about my own gender perceptions and experiences, including childhood experiences. I recounted stories of gender dysphoria from when I was about 6-8 years old and stories of recent issues of gender issues. He seemed surprised as I told him about numerous physical threats and homophobic or transphobic slurs that I've experienced as an adult. I guess I've had a lot of those experiences because I lived in the south east for so long but I've experienced transgender discrimination here in San Francisco as well. I've had people call me a "freak" in reference to my gender. I've been called all of the homophobic remarks, such as "butch", "dyke", "queer" and "bull-dagger. I've had people threaten to hit me based on my perceived gender. I even had a grade-school teacher who nicknamed me "Tomboy" as my pet name, which was used as both an endearment and a gay slur.
I understand that the interviews will be used to help health care and mental health care practitioners in working with transgendered men and women. I felt pretty good about participating in Sonny's survey and he was comfortable to talk with as well. I also felt validated that I was being seen and asked as a man, to comment about my own life experiences. I may also be interested in participating in the writing interviews that he's also conducting for Trans men. I asked him to send me the writing prompts so that I can check it out.
The whole interview went really well. I met Sonny and his partner, another Trans man, and found a private spot in the cafe to chat. He recorded our interview on his laptop and we used the pseudonym "Jim", to avoid using my real name and to keep our conversation anonymous.
A lot of Sonny's questions were about my own gender perceptions and experiences, including childhood experiences. I recounted stories of gender dysphoria from when I was about 6-8 years old and stories of recent issues of gender issues. He seemed surprised as I told him about numerous physical threats and homophobic or transphobic slurs that I've experienced as an adult. I guess I've had a lot of those experiences because I lived in the south east for so long but I've experienced transgender discrimination here in San Francisco as well. I've had people call me a "freak" in reference to my gender. I've been called all of the homophobic remarks, such as "butch", "dyke", "queer" and "bull-dagger. I've had people threaten to hit me based on my perceived gender. I even had a grade-school teacher who nicknamed me "Tomboy" as my pet name, which was used as both an endearment and a gay slur.
I understand that the interviews will be used to help health care and mental health care practitioners in working with transgendered men and women. I felt pretty good about participating in Sonny's survey and he was comfortable to talk with as well. I also felt validated that I was being seen and asked as a man, to comment about my own life experiences. I may also be interested in participating in the writing interviews that he's also conducting for Trans men. I asked him to send me the writing prompts so that I can check it out.
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