Thursday, July 28, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Depression
I think I've been a bit depressed today. At first I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I think I'm feeling depressed because people are not accurately perceiving my gender. I want to be on testosterone therapy and it's being put off until I jump through a few medical and insurance hoops and I don't want to wait another day to be on testosterone.
I've always been aware of when people say "Sir" or "Ma'am" because I do, and most people just don't address people that way as much anymore. I swear, more MEN have called me "Lady" or "Ma'am" over the past month than I ever recall. No, I don't think I'm being hyper-sensitive about it. In general, it doesn't matter that much to me what pronouns people use. However, the past several times it's been men calling me "little lady" or "Ma'am". It feels somehow directed at me; as though to either put me in my place or remind me that I am not a man. Actually, I am a man. But like I said, people are not perceiving my gender accurately and it's been very frustrating.
I've also not been sleeping well. For some reason, I've been going to bed around 3 am and then only getting 4 hours of sleep, leaving me tired and sluggish. I'm going to try to go to bed by 1:00 am tonight, right after I finish my writing. I think the lack of sleep hasn't helped my attitude any.
Sarah & I took Bruno to Mission Dolores park this afternoon but it was hot and we were both dressed slightly too warmly for the weather. Bruno ran around for a while and some guy came over to rub his little head and tell us that Bruno was about the cutest dog he'd ever seen. That was very kind of him and I agree.
Unfortunately, I started limping and having some pretty bad leg pain so we had to come home early. I felt really guilty about having to cut our day in the park short because I was hurting. I felt like I'd let Bruno & Sarah down by not being able to stand and walk as much as I'd like to.
When we got home, I took some pain meds and anti-anxiety medicine to help me feel better. I've stayed off my feet the rest of the day so I feel slightly better as far as leg pain goes.
I'm so impatient to start testosterone. I feel like I waited so long to come to this realization and I don't want to spend another minute in the wrong body. I understand that medical testing needs to be done by an endocrinologist before I can start taking T but I'm tired of waiting and feeling very frustrated and impatient. It sucks and it also makes me depressed and anxious to be perceived as a butch woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's not who I am.
I'm really glad that I have such a supportive girlfriend in Sarah. She's so sweet and loving but sometimes she tries too hard to take care of me. I keep telling her that she can't fix me and that she shouldn't wait on pins and needles to anticipate my needs but I guess that's just how she is. Still, I love her and I'm really glad that she's with me through this transition.
I've always been aware of when people say "Sir" or "Ma'am" because I do, and most people just don't address people that way as much anymore. I swear, more MEN have called me "Lady" or "Ma'am" over the past month than I ever recall. No, I don't think I'm being hyper-sensitive about it. In general, it doesn't matter that much to me what pronouns people use. However, the past several times it's been men calling me "little lady" or "Ma'am". It feels somehow directed at me; as though to either put me in my place or remind me that I am not a man. Actually, I am a man. But like I said, people are not perceiving my gender accurately and it's been very frustrating.
I've also not been sleeping well. For some reason, I've been going to bed around 3 am and then only getting 4 hours of sleep, leaving me tired and sluggish. I'm going to try to go to bed by 1:00 am tonight, right after I finish my writing. I think the lack of sleep hasn't helped my attitude any.
Sarah & I took Bruno to Mission Dolores park this afternoon but it was hot and we were both dressed slightly too warmly for the weather. Bruno ran around for a while and some guy came over to rub his little head and tell us that Bruno was about the cutest dog he'd ever seen. That was very kind of him and I agree.
Unfortunately, I started limping and having some pretty bad leg pain so we had to come home early. I felt really guilty about having to cut our day in the park short because I was hurting. I felt like I'd let Bruno & Sarah down by not being able to stand and walk as much as I'd like to.
When we got home, I took some pain meds and anti-anxiety medicine to help me feel better. I've stayed off my feet the rest of the day so I feel slightly better as far as leg pain goes.
I'm so impatient to start testosterone. I feel like I waited so long to come to this realization and I don't want to spend another minute in the wrong body. I understand that medical testing needs to be done by an endocrinologist before I can start taking T but I'm tired of waiting and feeling very frustrated and impatient. It sucks and it also makes me depressed and anxious to be perceived as a butch woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's not who I am.
I'm really glad that I have such a supportive girlfriend in Sarah. She's so sweet and loving but sometimes she tries too hard to take care of me. I keep telling her that she can't fix me and that she shouldn't wait on pins and needles to anticipate my needs but I guess that's just how she is. Still, I love her and I'm really glad that she's with me through this transition.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Transgender Woman Murdered in D.C.
Transgender Woman Murdered in D.C.
This is why my life as a Two-Spirit man is scary. I have been threatened because of my perceived gender, more times than I can recount. I sometimes fear that I may also be murdered one day for being both queer and trans. I’ve certainly had my share of those sorts of threats.
Rest in Peace, Lashai McLean.
This is why my life as a Two-Spirit man is scary. I have been threatened because of my perceived gender, more times than I can recount. I sometimes fear that I may also be murdered one day for being both queer and trans. I’ve certainly had my share of those sorts of threats.
Rest in Peace, Lashai McLean.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
My First interview as an FTM
I met this guy named Sonny Nordmarken on the FTM International website last week. He was doing interviews of Trans men for a health study hes doing for University of Massachusetts, Amherst. I volunteered to be interviewed and we met this evening at Urban Harvest Market.
The whole interview went really well. I met Sonny and his partner, another Trans man, and found a private spot in the cafe to chat. He recorded our interview on his laptop and we used the pseudonym "Jim", to avoid using my real name and to keep our conversation anonymous.
A lot of Sonny's questions were about my own gender perceptions and experiences, including childhood experiences. I recounted stories of gender dysphoria from when I was about 6-8 years old and stories of recent issues of gender issues. He seemed surprised as I told him about numerous physical threats and homophobic or transphobic slurs that I've experienced as an adult. I guess I've had a lot of those experiences because I lived in the south east for so long but I've experienced transgender discrimination here in San Francisco as well. I've had people call me a "freak" in reference to my gender. I've been called all of the homophobic remarks, such as "butch", "dyke", "queer" and "bull-dagger. I've had people threaten to hit me based on my perceived gender. I even had a grade-school teacher who nicknamed me "Tomboy" as my pet name, which was used as both an endearment and a gay slur.
I understand that the interviews will be used to help health care and mental health care practitioners in working with transgendered men and women. I felt pretty good about participating in Sonny's survey and he was comfortable to talk with as well. I also felt validated that I was being seen and asked as a man, to comment about my own life experiences. I may also be interested in participating in the writing interviews that he's also conducting for Trans men. I asked him to send me the writing prompts so that I can check it out.
The whole interview went really well. I met Sonny and his partner, another Trans man, and found a private spot in the cafe to chat. He recorded our interview on his laptop and we used the pseudonym "Jim", to avoid using my real name and to keep our conversation anonymous.
A lot of Sonny's questions were about my own gender perceptions and experiences, including childhood experiences. I recounted stories of gender dysphoria from when I was about 6-8 years old and stories of recent issues of gender issues. He seemed surprised as I told him about numerous physical threats and homophobic or transphobic slurs that I've experienced as an adult. I guess I've had a lot of those experiences because I lived in the south east for so long but I've experienced transgender discrimination here in San Francisco as well. I've had people call me a "freak" in reference to my gender. I've been called all of the homophobic remarks, such as "butch", "dyke", "queer" and "bull-dagger. I've had people threaten to hit me based on my perceived gender. I even had a grade-school teacher who nicknamed me "Tomboy" as my pet name, which was used as both an endearment and a gay slur.
I understand that the interviews will be used to help health care and mental health care practitioners in working with transgendered men and women. I felt pretty good about participating in Sonny's survey and he was comfortable to talk with as well. I also felt validated that I was being seen and asked as a man, to comment about my own life experiences. I may also be interested in participating in the writing interviews that he's also conducting for Trans men. I asked him to send me the writing prompts so that I can check it out.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Tonight's psychotherapy appointment
I had a good counseling session with my psychotherapist tonight.
I told Dr. Orgel that I suspect that I have gender dysphoria and that I'm an FTM Trans man. He seemed a little lit-up that I was self-diagnosing but other than that, he was very supportive.
I told him about how much I've been feeling uncomfortable about my breasts and that I've been strapping them down on and off for over the past 3 years. I'm increasing sensitive about gender pronouns and feel dismayed when I'm referred to as Ma'am or Lady. It didn't always bother me before if people referred to me as Ma'am or Sir but now I hate it when others use female pronouns in speaking to me. I told him that I've been wearing a soft pack penis and wearing men's underwear for a few years now but rarely brought up stuff like that in my counseling out of personal embarrassment.
I asked Dr Orgel if he'd feel comfortable working with me on my transition and he seemed very willing and able to support me. He mentioned that he's had a little experience with dealing with trans people and that he didn't see me any differently because I want to transition to male. He also mentioned that he'd have to contact my insurance company and work out the additional counseling sessions I'll need to help me through the process. I'm really glad that I have Dr. Orgel on my side as a healer. He's been really great with me and I'm happy that he wants to support and work with me.
I guess my next step is to set-up an appointment with my primary physician and talk with her about starting testosterone. I really like Jennifer Lyons and I think she'll be cautious but supportive of me. I think I need to get some medical testing done to make sure I won't have any problems on testosterone but I have no idea how long that process will take. I can tell you that I'm feeling impatient and urgently want to start injections as soon as possible. I know I have to be patient and take my time but I also feel like I've waited a whole life-time to get to this point and now I'm chomping at the bit to get going.
I told Dr. Orgel that I suspect that I have gender dysphoria and that I'm an FTM Trans man. He seemed a little lit-up that I was self-diagnosing but other than that, he was very supportive.
I told him about how much I've been feeling uncomfortable about my breasts and that I've been strapping them down on and off for over the past 3 years. I'm increasing sensitive about gender pronouns and feel dismayed when I'm referred to as Ma'am or Lady. It didn't always bother me before if people referred to me as Ma'am or Sir but now I hate it when others use female pronouns in speaking to me. I told him that I've been wearing a soft pack penis and wearing men's underwear for a few years now but rarely brought up stuff like that in my counseling out of personal embarrassment.
I asked Dr Orgel if he'd feel comfortable working with me on my transition and he seemed very willing and able to support me. He mentioned that he's had a little experience with dealing with trans people and that he didn't see me any differently because I want to transition to male. He also mentioned that he'd have to contact my insurance company and work out the additional counseling sessions I'll need to help me through the process. I'm really glad that I have Dr. Orgel on my side as a healer. He's been really great with me and I'm happy that he wants to support and work with me.
I guess my next step is to set-up an appointment with my primary physician and talk with her about starting testosterone. I really like Jennifer Lyons and I think she'll be cautious but supportive of me. I think I need to get some medical testing done to make sure I won't have any problems on testosterone but I have no idea how long that process will take. I can tell you that I'm feeling impatient and urgently want to start injections as soon as possible. I know I have to be patient and take my time but I also feel like I've waited a whole life-time to get to this point and now I'm chomping at the bit to get going.
Monday, July 11, 2011
S.A.G.E. The Sex And Gender Explorer Test : Test Results
Your appearance is Androgynous
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Male person.
You appear to socialize in a masculine manner.
You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.
You indicated your were born Female.
ANALYSIS:
Female to Male Transsexual, either post-operative or in transition
NOTES:
- Your answers indicate you have altered your physical appearance to look like the opposite sex.
- Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Trans4m
I'm starting this blog to journal my personal life and my transition from female to male.
It hasn't been easy to make such a huge decision, but at this time in my life, it feels like the right thing to do. I've talked at great length with my psychotherapist about my gender issues. Once or twice, I brought up that I wanted to be in a male body but he wasn't exactly affirming, so I got scared and didn't say too much more about it. I hope that I can work with my current Doctor regarding my gender transition, but if not, I'll have to find a new psychotherapist to work with. I feel like he'll be just fine but we'll have to wait and see. Fortunately, there are lots of behavioral health Doctors here in the city so I'm sure I can find someone to work with who's in my insurance network.
Frankly, the idea of transitioning scares the hell out of me. My biggest fear is that my family will think I'm crazy and stop being a part of my life. It's certainly a real possibility.
I know my parents won't accept it but I'm even more worried that my brother Terry will stop talking to me altogether. Our relationship is already strained because of my being queer. My family has never accepted my queerness but they've ultimately learned to deal with it and love me despite it. I'm really scared that this will be the one thing that they won't be able to learn to deal with. I'm scared that Terry will hate me or feel too uncomfortable about my gender transition to see me again.
I'm not too worried about Tom & Staci because they've always been supportive of me no matter what my gender or who I date. Their boys are young enough that they probably won't even remember much about my having previously been a woman.
How will my employers & co-workers handle my transition? Fortunately, I work for a very liberal, queer friendly organization in San Francisco, so I feel fairly certain that I won't have to worry about harassment or losing my job. It might weird a few people out but my employers and co-workers like me so I kind of sense that I'll be safe enough with my job to transition.
Oh, and *bonus*!! Anthem Blue Cross pays for gender re-assignment surgery when it's deemed medically necessary, such as for FTM or MTF persons.
I haven't started testosterone yet but I do pack and strap and do the best I can to pass as male. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it yet. I'm getting lots of looks of confusion from people but the other day, I got called "Ma'am" and "Lady" and I was totally bummed. I realize it's a process that takes time and practice but I'm impatient. I want to be a dude now, not in a year from now.
I've been practicing standing and peeing but with mixed success. I have a Go-Girl STP device but it's tricky to use and there is the issue of leakage, which is not cool. The second time I used it, I spilled piss all over myself and had to change clothes and take a shower. Hahahaha! Fortunately, I was at home when it happened. It's funny now but I was pretty embarrassed and upset about it at the time. So now, I just practice standing and peeing in the shower, just in case. With some practice, it should be fine but I'm still working on it Frustrating! I'm not at the point where I'm ready or able to go into the men's room yet. I wonder how long it'll take before I'll be able to pass enough to use the men's bathroom? I'm sure it'll be scary, exciting and embarrassing all at the same time.
I've been thinking about changing my name to Vincent or Vince. I kinda hate it because my former friend's name is Vince but it's also not like I'm going to be able to come up with a name that's so original that no other Trans guy before me has ever used it. Sarah seems to like the name Vince, so I'm happy about that. She says it suits me. I think it does, too.
It hasn't been easy to make such a huge decision, but at this time in my life, it feels like the right thing to do. I've talked at great length with my psychotherapist about my gender issues. Once or twice, I brought up that I wanted to be in a male body but he wasn't exactly affirming, so I got scared and didn't say too much more about it. I hope that I can work with my current Doctor regarding my gender transition, but if not, I'll have to find a new psychotherapist to work with. I feel like he'll be just fine but we'll have to wait and see. Fortunately, there are lots of behavioral health Doctors here in the city so I'm sure I can find someone to work with who's in my insurance network.
Frankly, the idea of transitioning scares the hell out of me. My biggest fear is that my family will think I'm crazy and stop being a part of my life. It's certainly a real possibility.
I know my parents won't accept it but I'm even more worried that my brother Terry will stop talking to me altogether. Our relationship is already strained because of my being queer. My family has never accepted my queerness but they've ultimately learned to deal with it and love me despite it. I'm really scared that this will be the one thing that they won't be able to learn to deal with. I'm scared that Terry will hate me or feel too uncomfortable about my gender transition to see me again.
I'm not too worried about Tom & Staci because they've always been supportive of me no matter what my gender or who I date. Their boys are young enough that they probably won't even remember much about my having previously been a woman.
How will my employers & co-workers handle my transition? Fortunately, I work for a very liberal, queer friendly organization in San Francisco, so I feel fairly certain that I won't have to worry about harassment or losing my job. It might weird a few people out but my employers and co-workers like me so I kind of sense that I'll be safe enough with my job to transition.
Oh, and *bonus*!! Anthem Blue Cross pays for gender re-assignment surgery when it's deemed medically necessary, such as for FTM or MTF persons.
I haven't started testosterone yet but I do pack and strap and do the best I can to pass as male. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it yet. I'm getting lots of looks of confusion from people but the other day, I got called "Ma'am" and "Lady" and I was totally bummed. I realize it's a process that takes time and practice but I'm impatient. I want to be a dude now, not in a year from now.
I've been practicing standing and peeing but with mixed success. I have a Go-Girl STP device but it's tricky to use and there is the issue of leakage, which is not cool. The second time I used it, I spilled piss all over myself and had to change clothes and take a shower. Hahahaha! Fortunately, I was at home when it happened. It's funny now but I was pretty embarrassed and upset about it at the time. So now, I just practice standing and peeing in the shower, just in case. With some practice, it should be fine but I'm still working on it Frustrating! I'm not at the point where I'm ready or able to go into the men's room yet. I wonder how long it'll take before I'll be able to pass enough to use the men's bathroom? I'm sure it'll be scary, exciting and embarrassing all at the same time.
I've been thinking about changing my name to Vincent or Vince. I kinda hate it because my former friend's name is Vince but it's also not like I'm going to be able to come up with a name that's so original that no other Trans guy before me has ever used it. Sarah seems to like the name Vince, so I'm happy about that. She says it suits me. I think it does, too.
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