Depression

I think I've been a bit depressed today. At first I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I think I'm feeling depressed because people are not accurately perceiving my gender. I want to be on testosterone therapy and it's being put off until I jump through a few medical and insurance hoops and I don't want to wait another day to be on testosterone.


I've always been aware of when people say "Sir" or "Ma'am" because I do, and most people just don't address people that way as much anymore. I swear, more MEN have called me "Lady" or "Ma'am" over the past month than I ever recall. No, I don't think I'm being hyper-sensitive about it. In general, it doesn't matter that much to me what pronouns people use. However, the past several times it's been men calling me "little lady" or "Ma'am". It feels somehow directed at me; as though to either put me in my place or remind me that I am not a man. Actually, I am a man. But like I said, people are not perceiving my gender accurately and it's been very frustrating. 


I've also not been sleeping well. For some reason, I've been going to bed around 3 am and then only getting 4 hours of sleep, leaving me tired and sluggish. I'm going to try to go to bed by 1:00 am tonight, right after I finish my writing. I think the lack of sleep hasn't helped my attitude any.


Sarah & I took Bruno to Mission Dolores park this afternoon but it was hot and we were both dressed slightly too warmly for the weather. Bruno ran around for a while and some guy came over to rub his little head and tell us that Bruno was about the cutest dog he'd ever seen. That was very kind of him and I agree.


Unfortunately, I started limping and having some pretty bad leg pain so we had to come home early. I felt really guilty about having to cut our day in the park short because I was hurting. I felt like I'd let Bruno & Sarah down by not being able to stand and walk as much as I'd like to. 


When we got home, I took some pain meds and anti-anxiety medicine to help me feel better. I've stayed off my feet the rest of the day so I feel slightly better as far as leg pain goes. 


I'm so impatient to start testosterone. I feel like I waited so long to come to this realization and I don't want to spend another minute in the wrong body. I understand that medical testing needs to be done by an endocrinologist before I can start taking T but I'm tired of waiting and feeling very frustrated and impatient. It sucks and it also makes me depressed and anxious to be perceived as a butch woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's not who I am. 


I'm really glad that I have such a supportive girlfriend in Sarah. She's so sweet and loving but sometimes she tries too hard to take care of me. I keep telling her that she can't fix me and that she shouldn't wait on pins and needles to anticipate my needs but I guess that's just how she is. Still, I love her and I'm really glad that she's with me through this transition.