Trans4m

I'm starting this blog to journal my personal life and my transition from female to male. 


It hasn't been easy to make such a huge decision, but at this time in my life, it feels like the right thing to do. I've talked at great length with my psychotherapist about my gender issues. Once or twice, I brought up that I wanted to be in a male body but he wasn't exactly affirming, so I got scared and didn't say too much more about it. I hope that I can work with my current Doctor regarding my gender transition, but if not, I'll have to find a new psychotherapist to work with. I feel like he'll be just fine but we'll have to wait and see. Fortunately, there are lots of behavioral health Doctors here in the city so I'm sure I can find someone to work with who's in my insurance network.


Frankly, the idea of transitioning scares the hell out of me. My biggest fear is that my family will think I'm crazy and stop being a part of my life. It's certainly a real possibility. 

I know my parents won't accept it but I'm even more worried that my brother Terry will stop talking to me altogether. Our relationship is already strained because of my being queer. My family has never accepted my queerness but they've ultimately learned to deal with it and love me despite it. I'm really scared that this will be the one thing that they won't be able to learn to deal with. I'm scared that Terry will hate me or feel too uncomfortable about my gender transition to see me again. 

I'm not too worried about Tom & Staci because they've always been supportive of me no matter what my gender or who I date. Their boys are young enough that they probably won't even remember much about my having previously been a woman. 


How will my employers & co-workers handle my transition? Fortunately, I work for a very liberal, queer friendly organization in San Francisco, so I feel fairly certain that I won't have to worry about harassment or losing my job. It might weird a few people out but my employers and co-workers like me so I kind of sense that I'll be safe enough with my job to transition.


Oh, and *bonus*!! Anthem Blue Cross pays for gender re-assignment surgery when it's deemed medically necessary, such as for FTM or MTF persons.


I haven't started testosterone yet but I do pack and strap and do the best I can to pass as male. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it yet. I'm getting lots of looks of confusion from people but the other day, I got called "Ma'am" and "Lady" and I was totally bummed. I realize it's a process that takes time and practice but I'm impatient. I want to be a dude now, not in a year from now. 


I've been practicing standing and peeing but with mixed success. I have a Go-Girl STP device but it's tricky to use and there is the issue of leakage, which is not cool. The second time I used it, I spilled piss all over myself and had to change clothes and take a shower. Hahahaha! Fortunately, I was at home when it happened. It's funny now but I was pretty embarrassed and upset about it at the time. So now, I just practice standing and peeing in the shower, just in case. With some practice, it should be fine but I'm still working on it Frustrating! I'm not at the point where I'm ready or able to go into the men's room yet. I wonder how long it'll take before I'll be able to pass enough to use the men's bathroom? I'm sure it'll be scary, exciting and embarrassing all at the same time.


I've been thinking about changing my name to Vincent or Vince. I kinda hate it because my former friend's name is Vince but it's also not like I'm going to be able to come up with a name that's so original that no other Trans guy before me has ever used it. Sarah seems to like the name Vince, so I'm happy about that. She says it suits me. I think it does, too.