Monday, September 5, 2011


I'm stoked about our new fish aquarium! Sarah's landlord won't let her have any pets so I told her that she could have a fish tank at my place if she wanted. She loves fish and I think they're cool, too. I've heard that watching fish swim in an aquarium can help to improve high blood pressure, anxiety and depression so there's also a practical reason to have a fish aquarium.

We haven't figured out what kind of fish we're getting yet but I know I don't want gold fish. I don't think gold fish are very interesting and they're high maintenance fish. I wouldn't mind getting something cool like a shark or piranha but you can't really have those in a tank with smaller fish because they'll take bites out of them or eat them. Also, our tank's not big enough for piranha, although I have taken care of a friend's piranha when she was sent to Iraq. They were really cool but extremely aggressive.

One evening, a mutual friend came for a visit and didn't believe that the fish were piranha so I told her to put her finger in the tank and see. I told her they were real piranha and they'd bite her if she stuck her finger in the tank but she didn't believe me and stuck her finger in the tank anyway. A piranha promptly swam up to the top of the tank and bit the tip of her finger off. There was blood everywhere and our friend freaked out. LMAO! It was hilarious!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My First Testosterone Shot Has Been Scheduled!!

Wow, I had a rather intense day at the Dr's office.

The night before my appointment, I had to go on a fast so they could do labs and blood work on me. No food or drink after 6:00pm and nothing on the morning of the appointment. I woke up feeling tired and sluggish from the lack of food or coffee. 

I got to Dr. Smilo's office by 10:40 am for my 11:00 appointment. I filled out about 6 pages of paperwork, that included an intensive description of my medical history, including all current medications, past examinations and vaccinations, chronic illnesses, past surgeries, psychological issues, any known allergies and my family's medical history. 

Unfortunately, Dr. Smilo was running about 40 minutes late so we were a little crunched for time when it was my turn to see her. Dr. Smilo is an elderly woman in her 80s and of European background. I'm not sure what country she's from but she speaks English, German & Polish. I understand that she's worked with transgender men and women with hormone therapy for over 40 years.

I spoke with her at great length about my medical and psychological health. I'd told her that I first noticed feeling something different about my body and gender when I was around 6 years old. She nodded and stated that research indicates that transgender children usually know that they are differently gendered between the ages of 4-6. I didn't know that but I felt validated that I had many of the classic patterns and experiences of other transgender people. She interviewed me about my medical history for about an hour and gave me a basic physical examination. She wrote up a request for labs to be done, including blood draws, so that they could ensure that my blood, hormone levels, kidneys and thyroid gland are normal. She also asked that I get a letter of diagnosis from my psychotherapist, stating that he has diagnosed and is treating me for Gender Identity Disorder (GID).

Fortunately, CPMC is about 3 blocks away from her office so I went there right after my appointment to get the blood work and labs done. By this time, it was about 1:30pm. I was feeling pretty low energy from not having eaten in so long and now I needed to have blood drawn. I didn't have to wait long to see a phlebotomist but I have tiny veins and they don't like needles. They tend to hide, go flat and roll or "coke bottle". Ever tried to stick a needle into a coke bottle? They roll and are difficult or impossible to stick. 

The first phlebotomist tried to stick me and after a few minutes of sticking and re-sticking me, she gave up and called another nurse to draw my blood. Great, now they have to stick me in the other arm as well. The second nurse had a pretty hard time finding a vein to use but he was able to stick me on the first try. They took 8 vials of blood out of me and gave me a tiny cup of orange juice to drink. It took a lot out of me to get all of the medical stuff done today with Dr. Smilo and the blood work but I'm glad I got it all done today.

The good news is, I have an appointment with Dr. Smilo next Tuesday the 23rd of August. If my labs come back as normal and my Psychotherapist provides the letter of diagnosis, I'LL GET MY FIRST TESTOSTERONE SHOT!! I'm so excited! Finally, I'm on my way to becoming the man I've always wanted to be. I can't wait to get started. I'm so happy!

Sunday, August 14, 2011


Really not feeling well in the area of my body suspected of being cancerous. I hope it’s psychosomatic. Merrr.

I’m tired but I can’t sleep. My stomach feels bloated and uncomfortable, with a slight burning sensation. I’m depressed and concerned about the possibility that I might have cancer. I’m trying not to worry about it until after I have my surgical procedure but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s not a big deal and that my test result was probably a false positive but I can’t help but think that it just isn’t good when there’s blood and inflammation where there isn’t supposed to be.

My biopsy is in the morning on the 25th of August. My girlfriend is going with me, will stay through my procedure and then help me get home since I’ll still be sedated. I have to go on a 24 hour liquid diet to prepare for the surgery. All I can have is broth, water, tea or coffee with no milk, fruit juice with no pulp, and any jello except red colored jello. That’s going to be rough. I’m not looking forward to that.

The procedure should take about 30 minutes to an hour and then I’ll spend an hour in the recovery room. Once the sedation wears off a bit, they’ll release me to go back home that afternoon. I have no idea how long it’ll take them to return results from the biopsy but I hope it’s sooner rather than later and I hope they don’t find anything serious.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Positive cancer test

Damn it. I got a potential positive result for cancer and now I have to have a more invasive procedure. I think it’s probably either a false positive or there’s some other reason the test came back positive. Now they have to sedate me and cut on me. Shit. Not what I wanted to hear.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Well intentioned friends

I’m feeling sad and dismayed that people are questioning or “joking” about my decision to transition from F to M.  I understand that some of my friends want to have a conversation and see if they can understand what turned my heart to want to live my life as a man.I don’t mind having that conversation. I feel that I have been growing more and more masculinely identified over the years and transitioning feels like the right and next logical progression for me. I no longer self-identify as female, I identify as and want to live my life as a man. What is hurtful are well-intentioned friends asking, “are you sure? I’ve always seen you as a woman.” Or, “What if you transition and regret it?” Or, “Are you sure you’re not just following a gay trend?” It’s pretty depressing to me.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Still trying to find an Endocrinologist

Last month I told my primary physician that I was interested in testosterone therapy and she referred me to a young, Chinese-American man named Dr. Tuan. She said that he was very good and could both test me and provide me with testosterone shots.

I had an appointment with him yesterday morning but when I got there, I was told that my appointment was actually for the 3rd of August, not the 8th. D'oh! I must've gotten my dates mixed up, which rarely ever happens, but apparently it did this time. I rescheduled to see Dr. Tuan and went in this morning to see him. 

When I got there, Dr Tuan asked why I'd come in to see him. I told him that I have Gender Identity Disorder and was interested in testosterone therapy. He was very nice about it, but he declined to treat me, stating that he had no experience with transgender testosterone therapy. I thought that was strange  because my primary physician referred me to him specifically for testosterone therapy and had told me that he did have experience treating transgender patients. Perhaps she was mistaken, but I can't help but wonder if he just didn't want to treat me because of the nature of my therapy request. 

He referred me to Dr. Renata Smilo and I have an appointment with her tomorrow morning. He stated that she specialized in transgender related testosterone therapy and has been treating patients for more than 40 years. When I got home and told Sarah about my day, she got excited and told me that her former TG girlfriend, August, was a patient of Dr. Smilo's and that she was a very good Dr. I'm glad to know someone who is familiar with Dr. Smilo and I hope that she'll put me on testosterone treatment sooner rather than later.

In the mean time, I'm feeling depressed and frustrated about not being able to start testosterone yet. I know I have an appointment tomorrow but it's not to get a testosterone shot, it's so I can get my thyroid tested to see if I'm an eligible candidate for testosterone therapy. I've been trying to get started on T for a month now and I still have to wait. Frustrating.

I know that testosterone changes don't happen over-night. It can take months before you get any noticeable changes. I guess that's why I'm so anxious to get started. I know that even after I start getting shots, I'll still have to wait.

I'm just so unhappy and uncomfortable in my own body. I hate my breasts so much. They're so big and impossible to hide. I'm in a weird in-between place where I'm not yet a man and not a woman. I feel like an "it". People stare at me when I'm out in public and sometimes it makes me very uncomfortable to have so much attention on me from strangers.

I hope Dr. Smilo understands and starts me on testosterone therapy soon. I can't help but think that I'll feel so much better once I do.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Peeing is a fascinating new thing

I got my Stand to Pee packer in the mail from on Tuesday. Now peeing is a completely fascinating new thing.

My first STP device was a GoGirl. I have a hard time using this device. The first two weeks of learning to use it, I inadvertently pissed all down my leg and on my pants. Damn it. If you don't hold the device just right or if you pee to quickly, pee can over-flow over the top of the container. I was frustrated and just a little embarrassed too because my girlfriend saw me needing to clean up after having an accident.

Then I bought a plastic medicine spoon from the drug store and cut off the end of the spoon to make a tube. I've seen lots of YouTube videos of Trans guys making their own STP devices from medicine spoons so I thought I'd give it a try. It worked a little better but the tube end of the medicine spoon is very short and I'd usually end up getting a little pee on my hands. Not ideal but it was a better than the GoGirl. At least I wasn't peeing down my legs and onto my pants. Medicine spoons are also a lot easier to conceal than GoGirls. 

Then I ordered a 7" Mr. Limpy STP packer device from This STP device is pre-made and has a medicine and some tubing inserted into a 7" penis prosthetic. I got it Tuesday and have been wearing it full-time since. 

It came with instructions and a harness to hold it around your waist so it doesn't fall out when you pull your pants down. I don't have a harness for my other softy packer and it's fallen onto the floor and into the toilet a couple of times. Not cool, especially if you're in the mens room. 

I love the STP packer! The very first time I used it, I was able to properly use it without urinating on myself. The instructions helped me to use the medicine spoon properly and kept me from spilling on myself. When I was finally able to pee through my cock, while standing and without making a mess, I was so excited! There was something about watching my urine coming out of my cock that made me feel like I might finally be a man. I also felt a sense of accomplishment by being able to stand and pee like any other man. I feel like I'm finally making progress towards my goal to transition to male.