Monday, August 1, 2011

Gender dysphoria: I hate my breasts

I really hate my breasts. They're so large and pretty much impossible to conceal. I've been watching videos of other FTM guys on YouTube and they look like guys. Most of them are small chested and binding usually does a good job of concealing their breasts so it's much easier for them to pass.  I, apparently, still really look like a woman and I just fucking hate it. 

In fact, I don't pass at all and keep being confused as being a really butch lesbian, which I am not. I bought myself a new binder a few weeks ago and although it's a great quality binder, it doesn't quite do the job when it comes to concealing my breasts. 

I always seem to be wishing my breasts were gone. I want to have a guy's chest and be able to walk around bare-chested as a man with no problems. My breasts are so big it's obnoxious. I hate them and I wish they were gone. 

I know that chest surgery isn't going to be an option for me for quite a while but all I can think about is getting my testosterone shot and having my chest surgery. I hate being in this pre-T phase. It makes me feel like I don't want to see people until my body is reconciled with my gender. I don't want to see anyone until I look like a man. I know I'm being impatient but I don't want to spend another day in the wrong body. 

I'm doubting that I can ever pass as a man and it's what I want more than anything in the world; to be seen as myself -- a man. I want more strength and more muscles. I want a mustache and beard. I want to be able to stand when I pee and not piss down my leg and wet my pants. 

At this point, I think that removing my breasts is going to be very important to both being perceived and feeling like I'm finally the correct gender. Ugh. I'm so frustrated. I don't want to see my breasts. I don't want to deal with them. 

I just want them to go away. 

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